Rutabaga


I have been so busy I failed to post one of my articles published by PJ Media. But don’t worry, this one has timeless value:

A Saudi Arabian man was arrested and executed last week for impersonating women, that incredibly fortunate class of Saudis. He was caught wearing a burqa, the only thing other than a niquab that women are allowed to wear in Saudi Arabia. The burqa is a dress that covers a woman from head to toe in order to hide her evil parts, which is her entire being, including her eyes, which can be so powerfully seductive in some cases as to render a man insensible. It is big and unshapely, making it so easy for a man to hide under that it is hard to know just how prevalent these crossdressers are. The Saudi Arabian government is cracking down as incidents of male crossdressing rise. Sources say this is due to the ease with which it can be accomplished. Also, the prospect of being treated like a female in an Islamic nation — for even just a little bit of time — is too tempting for many men to resist.

Any One of These Could Be a Dude!

Go here to read the full piece.


Obama Issues Executive Order, Nationalizes Christmas

After months of mass citizen protests against the inherent inequality of life, Obama has signed an executive order effectively nationalizing Christmas saying “We couldn’t wait for congress to act. Christmas is the epitome of inequality.” The unilateral presidential act institutes the new Committee Over All Holiday Levity or COAHL, which has been granted the authority to write sweeping regulations in order to “make Christmas accessible to all the peoples of the land, including the poor, the Muslims, and I suppose, if we have to, the atheists.”

COAHL has issued a preview of their intentions, saying they are following the new presidential edict to the letter and issuing regulations according to some notes the president scribbled in the margins. The new regulations will be phased in over 2 years beginning in 2012. In the first year Americans will be required to give Christmas presents equally. For example, If a family has more than one child, each child must receive either the same present or an equivalent present, which equivalency will be dictated by a series of charts to be released before next summer. For spouses no individual is allowed to give a gift of more than 25% greater value than their neighbor’s spouse receives. Just to get people started, neighborhoods will be divided up into zones describing the value of allowable gift levels by zone. Each relationship in a person’s life will have similar guidelines for gift giving.

In the second year of the plan, 2013, no family may spend less or more on Christmas then they spent the year before, nor may they spend more on presents than the poorest family that is still able to buy presents, however they must spend at least as much as their nearest neighbor on the left hand side spent, if you’re facing their door from the outside. Failure to adhere to these rules could result in imprisonment or fines.

Parents, songs, movies, and any books are hereby banned from mentioning the naughty list, or from making any reference a relationship between Christmas presents and behavior of any kind, whether naughty or nice, since that’s racist.

All businesses will be required to invite 25% of their total number of employees in extra Holiday Party guests. Additionally, they will be required to hand out $5 Starbucks gift cards at homeless shelters, in an amount to be determined, but commensurate with their profits.

The wealthy will be required to subsidize all the typically Christmas Disenfranchised by buying extra gifts. The richer a man is the higher his required sacrifice. Extra gifts will be weighed and deposited in special government gift collection trucks that will be sent to each town, recently coined “Santa’s Sleighs” by Nancy Pelosi. The top 1% earners sacrifice will be measured in tons as not only must they buy an approximate semi load of extra Christmas presents, but must also buy tree lights, scented candles, and other decorations. “No family should be without a pine scented candle during the holiday season.” Said Obama in a statement a month ago, giving the first indication that he might be philosophically in line with the protesters.

Protesters are celebrating but say changes are just a first step. Since it will be impossible to make sure all peoples get some kind of Christmassy joy, the more extreme among them insist on a complete ban on Christmas, and possibly joy, altogether.


Brand new article published over at PJM! Woop!

So, I wrote this piece about three to four weeks ago, and frankly, OWS is a snoozfest now so who cares. They are too easy to make fun of and so I am not interested anymore. But, fans-o-mine, that should not prevent you from checking out my article and making lots of clever comments that only people with your incredibly attuned sense of humor are capable of. So go to the article and show me what you got. The more hits and comments the more the PJM editors will think I am the most amazing thing and that they should pay me a lot more money to sit around and make fun of things. Click the pic:



Many Republican answers to those hard ball YouTuber questions during last night’s debate employed a new tactic to avoid expressing an opinion – just pass the buck to the states! Brilliant!

What do you think about Social Security, Candidate X?

Oh, em, gee, I uh…I think the states should decide that!

Wow, what a relief. I thought you were going to say it is immoral and bankrupt. Whew. What do you think about Government Education?

Oh, well, my goodness! My first act as president will be to abolish the DOE! The state governments should be responsible for “educating” our children into drooling brutes, not the federal government!

I see. How, magnanimous, of you. What do you think about the Iraq War or Iran’s nuclear program?

Well, of course, that’s a tough one. I er, uh, I think the states should decide that!

But sir, the states don’t have a military.

Doh!

Okay, that last one I made up. But you get the idea. It is rather exciting however, to imagine “50 incubators of ingenuity” figuring out how to make Statism work. I mean, lots of countries have tried and failed (and when Statism fails it ain’t pretty.) But we’re Americans. If 50 different groups of American politicians were competing over who could implement Statism better, I bet we could crack that socialist utopia code once and for all! Are we Ameri-cans or Ameri-can’ts?! Don’t tell me it’s wrong and impractical!

I'm just a small-time bureaucrat. What could go wrong?

Take Social Security, for example. I bet a smaller, lower level bureaucrat could figure out how to run a Ponzi scheme with much more eclat. When it’s big, it’s so darned complicated!

Hm, let’s see, point gun, collect money, spend money. Well, maybe it’s not so complicated after all.


It’s no secret that Somalia is one of the world’s most desperate economies. After years of tribal warfare, mass looting, and a lack of any rule of law, Somalia’s unemployment rate is, no one has any fucking clue, because it’s a mess over there, but it’s close to 100%. And the only reason it isn’t 100% is because piracy is a thriving industry employing thousands.

Sadly, the people in Somalia are once again starving on a mass scale. But the benevolent regime now in charge of the Southeast corner of the country, for the next week or so at least, plans to do something about it. “America is most successful country. We want life like America. So, we read in New York Times, destroy buildings and create gold, so, we do that.” Says self styled General Abe Bebe Koosh.

My mud hut was destroyed, and so I spent my gold to rebuild, helping to create 3 jobs!

There is optimism in the air for the first time in a decade in that part of the country. The new regime is the first in a long line to look without, to try to learn from other countries in the world, and apply what’s working. After reading the New York Times, the worlds most respectable and intelligent newspaper, they plan to cause a little destruction to stimulate the economy. The theory is, though many villages have been burned in the past, those measures didn’t go far enough. If they burn down the remaining unburnt villages, they believe they will finally have the riches and prosperity they desire and no one will go hungry.

“Some villages have been untouched in all our troubles. That could be what is causing de poverty. If we burn remaining unburnt villages, it will force people to build anew, which will force them to hire grass cutters and mud brick makers who will then have gold to spend. If we take all their remaining food, that will make work for hunters and gatherers, who will also then have gold to spend. From there it is snowball.” Says General Koosh. “I will tell you truth, some in my Parliament say it won’t work, that I should instead try to promote business…by stopping the looting and the taxing, and, maybe, property ownership or something like that. But no! New York Times is clear. It is not d’businessmen who cause gold to be made, it is consumers.”

General Abe Bebe Koosh, benevolent dictator

The plan is daring and risky. The trick is for the Somali citizen to work hard very quickly to collect more food, before they die of starvation. If they can manage to do that, the plan might just work, causing a spike of full employment.

There was no comment from the President of Somalia, Islamic cleric Sharif Sheikh Ahmed. It is widely known that Ahmed does not control every corner of Somalia. But it remains to be seen if General Koosh’s plan works, whether Sharif Sheikh Ahmed will follow suit in the areas he controls. A source close to the President, who requested to remain anonymous, told this reporter that he believed Ahmed has already implemented a similar plan.

President Ahmed, “Bebe Koosh stole my idea!”

Re -published at PJ Media 10/20/11 HERE.